It’s Been A While, Coming Out of a Quiet Season
It’s been on my heart to start writing again after about a year of stepping away from social media and my blog. During that time I was attending my first year of ministry school, and it felt very important to give my full focus to that alone. I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that I find the timing for this desire to rise up in me a bit odd. I love to encourage and share from a place of overflow, but truthfully my heart has been in a very tough space as of late.
At the end of the school year, some very deep pain from a part of my life (decades ago) resurfaced that I did not realize I was holding onto. And in the midst of processing that pain, my family and I experienced a devastating loss when my nephew went on to be held in the arms of Jesus. Truthfully, it is my normal to encourage, comfort, and be a strong support for others. I’m the oldest of three girls, so my “big sister - rescuer” can be an automatic response in times of crisis. I am so grateful for the opportunity to be that safe space for my loved ones. However, it wasn’t until after I returned home to California that I started to recognize that I hadn’t been giving myself a safe space to go and process my own grief and hurt. I kept standing in the stance of being “the strong one”, and I just did what I always do, soldier on and push forward - because, well, “stuff has to get done, right?”
I am certain the concept of a difficult season isn’t unique to me considering the heartbreaking state our world is in. This truth alone has given me pause quite often when I sit down at my computer. I ask myself as I stare at the blank screen, “what difference can the words I write really make?” And while I do not consider myself an expert, I do know that when the Lord impresses upon my heart to share something, there is usually someone out there who needs to hear it. So...here it is - vulnerable as it may be.
You Matter, Do Not Neglect Your Heart
Photo credit: Ashley McBride
All throughout my first year of ministry school, a consistent theme the Lord spoke to my heart was Daughtership. He really wanted me to start seeing myself the way He sees me. I even began wearing a tiara as a physical reminder to myself that I am a daughter of the Most High King! That lesson throughout the year was priceless to me, but I am also learning that royalty does not mean I am required to be “on” 100% of the time. Being a daughter (or a son) means that we have a Father who dearly loves us and wants to comfort us in our pain as well.
I know myself well, I have a large capacity to carry a lot of responsibility. This can be amazing when you step into leadership roles, but it can also be a weakness when your heart is needing space to grieve and heal. Pushing the pain down and moving forward doesn’t help anyone, and learning to slow down and rest in the Father’s arms can be hard for people like me. Just because I have faith in God and His promises, and great expectations for the future doesn’t mean I can’t also be in a season of vulnerability and pain. He meets us there. Right in the middle of it. And because He is so very near to the brokenhearted, His Presence infuses each breath with hope - no matter how big the waves crashing around you may feel.
Be there. I mean that! Stop, rest and truly be present in the process with Jesus as He heals your heart. Don’t run past the pain, or think, “I’ll get to it later.” You deserve slowing down for. Your heart matters and He is waiting right there beside you to hold you close, capture your tears and speak life into the darkness. Just be there with Him, no matter how long it takes!
Encourage Yourself in The Lord
Those who know me well, know that I guard my eyes, ears, and heart fiercely. I am very careful about what I “feed myself” on, and in a season like this it is so important! I make sure I am “feeding” myself on God’s Word. Meditating on His promises and the things He has spoken to me in my quiet time with Him. I worship even when it’s hard, because He is worthy and without a doubt, eventually the heaviness lifts and I find my hope rising. Never feeling guilty falling asleep while praying or reading His Word because I know He is holding me. Falling asleep in our Heavenly Father’s arms is always the perfect place to rest.
Our loved ones cannot always be there with us every minute, but Jesus promised He will never leave us or forsake us. So when the lies come that you are “unseen or forgotten”, like they were for me these past couple weeks, punch the liar in the throat and lean into your Savior’s arms. He is closer than your next breath and ever present. When we are weak JESUS is strong. And if you find it hard to let go and admit weakness, like I did, He will meet you there too. But trust me when I say, eventually you find that it’s so much easier to wave your white flag and let Him fight your battles for you.
“Be still and know I am God!”
Bring Loved Ones Close & Pray with Ones You Trust
Do not isolate yourself! Bring trusted loved ones close and let them into your process. Ask God to pour out His wisdom and show you who those people are if you aren’t sure. Having people you love with you in difficult seasons is not only wise, it’s biblical! Jesus brought His inner circle close when He went and prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane during the hardest season He ever would walk through. So do not run off and become an island, surround yourself with people who will pray for, with, and over you. I just had two of my roommates praying over me this very morning that I’m writing this. Believe me, prayer changes things!
I also feel it is important to mention that being vulnerable does not mean spilling your guts to everyone, trust me that is not wisdom. There are a lot of details that are a part of my season that are only privy to a very small group of people I know and trust. Be wise with who you share your intimate details with. Not everyone is going to understand, and not everyone deserves to know everything. Wisdom, more often than not, looks like silence. It’s okay to not be okay, so don’t pretend you are if you aren’t. But also don’t feel the pressure or responsibility to lay it all out there.
Final Thoughts
As I prepare to head into my second year of ministry school, I am choosing to be kind to myself and slow down. I don’t know what season you may be in, but one thing I am more certain of now than ever - Jesus is right in the middle of it with you, holding you up if you need it or cheering you on as you shine! He is for you in every way and will be everything you ever need. Remember, Jesus died so we could be completely restored into a loving relationship with the Father. There is no longer anything in our way. So, run to Him! Listen to the words He speaks over you, and be kind to yourself. The condition of your heart matters deeply to Him, more than anything truly. You’re worth slowing down for. So go on, whisper His name and let Him love your heart back to life.
You are loved,
Hillary
